Look this is a Rant Journal. Sorry but my page, my journal , my decision.


I cant take this anymore. Eliade, my fiance of three years, is slowly slipping from my grasp. I can't understand him anymore. I can't get through to him anymore. Worst of all, he doesn't care.

For those of you who don't know, which I think is everyone. I used to live at his mothers house and it was worse then hell. Everyday I was verbally and mentally abused by his mother. And I'm not just talking the simple petty shit. No folks. Im talking saying that I should die. I'm a Whore. I'm a lazy bitch (when I was the ONLY one working in her house). Her son is so much better than me. Im selfish and he should pick a latina girl, Im a dirty white girl. All these things I dealt with. Everyday. All day. No escape. Suddenly, my best friend lets us move in together with her family. There is Two adults, my best friend, and her five siblimgs varying in ages from 17 to 2. Now we're living with them. I though Life would be great and Eliade and I could move forward with our relationship.

Wrong

Its worse. Everything about where I live is amazing. Its our relationship that is now the living nightmare.

I can't do anything right for him. EVER. I work eight hours a day. AND I have a mural on the side so sometimes I come home after TWELVE hours of work. I do dishes and clean our room when it needs cleaning. I make food from time to time. And I still find time to Love him and show my Love. Sadly he can't do the same.

He works the third shift at a factory where they make plastic tubes. From 11-7. It sucks cuz when he gets home he has to sleep and he sleeps until 3. That's fine. But then when he wakes up he is a total ass to me. He'll sit on his ipod and play and text and have a grand ole time bye himself. He'll laugh and joke and play and smile with all the kids here. Yet all I get is him snapping at me. Rolling his eyes when ever I say something or he will just ignore it all together.

I was at the hospital two days ago. We thought we were pregnant and then I bleedout ALOT. So I thought I had a miscarriage. Did he act like he cared. Of course not. Then at the hospital I had my first Pelvic exam, while on my period mind you, and three medical students walked in and stared at me. I don't give a crap if they are doctors or Aliens, its SO embarrassing to have something like that happen to you. I told him and he acted like he cared for about half an hour.

I DONT UNDERSTAND!!!!! He makes promises about being cranky with only me and stopping but never fufils them. He gets pissed off when I tell him that I want attention after he wakes up and he assumes Im upset about him sleeping. There was a time when he loved me. Unconditionally. Made me feel like an angel. But its gone. And in my heart it feels like its never coming back. God please help me. Ineed strength. He has been the focus of my entire life for three years. He is my other half. He means more then anything to me. God why am I not good enough. Please. Please I can't do this anymore. I can't. It hurts. so bad.

Im sorry everyone. sorry

Extra: I have to note. Not everything is his fault. I am naggy and I snap as well. I can be nasty and I come off wrong all the time because of the way I say things I guess. But to be honest with my self and in the eyes of God. All my aggression, anger and annoyance comes from his lack of emotional presence.

An I will get back to each one of your comments. Im just trying to calm my self down before i write them. No need taking my pain on anyone else but myself. I turly love you guys. Thank you.